semalam (I)

Rite now, I am actually forcing myself to write. It has been quite a long time since my last post. Masa padat ng arrangement tuk sesuaikan diri ng job baru. Alhamdulillah, rasa serasi sangat, and by time I hope masa yg sepatutnya banyak terluang tu, dapat angah gunakan sebaiknya.

Semalam, angah habiskan petang bersama chris. Tekanan kerja jadi isu kali ni. Since angah (insyaallah) da kenal environment yg die lalui skang, banyak yg kami share.

Tp kan, nk cakap pasal tekanan, mane kite pi pn, mesti ada tekanan, tak banyak, sikit mesti ade. Cume level of pressure tu mungkin tak sama. The form of pressure pn, tak sama. Yang penting bagi angah, how u deal with it.

4 tahun kat company yg sama. Tekanan yg sama, alhamdulillah, angah sedar semua yg angah lalui kat sana, tak satu pun yg berlaku tanpa manfaat. dalam 4 tahun tu, i have actually grown up to be a stronger, and a more rational little person (i do hope i am).

and now, dengan ape yg angah buat skarang, semuanya rasa macam baik² je. syukran..

oh yes.. chinese new year ni, angah ikut chris balik hometown die. kat pagoh. i've been there 2 tahun lepas, kalau tak silap. cny gak. she took me to many places. yg masih segar dalam ingatan, there was this chinese boy (a childhood friend of hers) took us up to this one hill. the ramps were mostly life-riskingly very steep. dorang panggil gunung batu ke, hutan batu ntah. masa tu malam. gelap gelita. tapi bila sampai atas. subhanallah, those amazing feeling.. sampai skrg bile teringat balik, macam ade butterfly kt dalam ni :D

bersambung..

antara haiti dan dubai

Bila dengar cerita dan tengok berita pasal earthquake that struck Haiti last Tuesday, I have this one question that hunger for an explanation. When I tweet, I could hardly find any tweets coming from any accounts that I follow or the followers tweet about any Islamic organization aid for haiti. Amazingly, so many helps are coming out from the churches and the jews etc, but so few from us. Even media kat Malaysia pun agak kurang sediakan saluran untuk kemudahan kita beri sumbangan. Atau angah sendiri kurang peka?

That disappointment led me to search on google about this. and I am sorry that I have to actually visited this site http://barenakedislam.wordpress.com and get disappointed of the truth of some facts. (Read: Where are the pledges of aid for Haiti from all the OIL-RICH ARAB Gulf nations?)

Kenape ye?? Honestly, angah tak boleh tengok burj khalifa tu or ape² projek mega dari dubai. Kinda hurt to see an Islamic country yang kaye camtu, tapi kekayaan agak gagal disalurkan ke tempat yang betul. Kalau kecik dulu, angah ingat lagi mase belajar agama tentang sifat mazmumah ‘kejam’. Membawa maksud ‘tidak adil’ atau ‘tidak meletakkan sesuatu pada tempatnya’. Kalau tak silap macam tula sikit sebanyak definisinya. Dan bagi angah uae is one of the few. Reason being, angah pernah dengar kisah rakyatnya yg miskin, hidupnya sangatla miskin. Bukan je miskin, tapi hidup seperti pendatang asing di negara sendiri.

Bukan nak bersetuju 100%, even before jumpe site tersebut, persoalan tu dah pn ade dalam kotak fikiran ni. Ape nak dikata?

Maafla, entri ni ditulis dalam emosi yg tak berapa positif. Marah agaknya dengan sikap bongkak, sombong segelintir kita yang satu agama. Bukan nak kata pembangunan kat dubai tu langsung takde kebaikan, tapi cam agak kecewa la dengan situasi semasa. selagi ada yang tertindas, selagi itu angah takkan bersetuju dengan apa pun yang kamu katakan utk 'kebaikan' -kononnya.

Jangan lupa, kita menuju ke akhir zaman. benar, kita dituntut untuk terus berusaha/ bekerja seolah akan hidup untuk seribu tahun lagi. Jangan pula lupa, ibadat seolah tiada esok untuk kita. Setiap kebaikan beserta niat yang betul adalah ibadat. jadi angah turut menasihati diri untuk sentiasa perbetulkan niat. amin..

Untuk haiti, melihatkan kesannya, angah panjatkan kesyukuran dengan segala nikmat yg sedang angah nikmati dan simpati pada yg terkesan dek bencana alam tersebut.

Seringkas-ringkas doa juga merupakan sumbangan :)

Dunia ini hanya pinjaman, Akhirat itulah sebenar tujuan..

we are never left alone

i talked with c lastnite. it was a long one. we hanged out at mcd in kuchai lama. was thinking of bringing along my laptop which i had it clothed with liverpool's skin. lucky me that i didnt do so, coz after we had taken our seat outside, a group of gentlemen (i think) of mufc came  (for the shirts, some of them had on) and took the seats right behind us. ehhe. kalau tak, issue jugak :) and as it has always been, the look that they were giving to us was  an acceptably 'normal' one ;)

well that was actually not the subject that i want to highlight. it has been quite a long while that we havnt seen each other. all because of the escapism that i had to do and of course of the excitement and the passion that i have in my new commitment now :)

god is great. i am so grateful that she has changed. though we are of different beliefs, we actually shared the same faith. the faith that guide us to be what we are, who we are. does that make any sense to any of us? :) the faith that make us feel that we are never left alone at times when loneliness came to say hi. yes, we are never left alone. thank you allah for this lovely feeling..

mayday! mayday!

rasi -seorang gadis india, rakan dari ofis lama yg baru sempat seminggu aku kenal, pernah berkata, "mak saya kata, utk kurangkn rasa kesedihan dek kerapuhan hati yg kita alami, cuba lihat kesengsaraan orang yg kehilangan kaki.." angah faham, itu sekadar perumpamaan. tp kata² yg lebih kepada nasihat tu, smpi kini angah masih ingat.

dan baru saja, angah rasa bertuahnya diri, atas dugaan yg datang. sekurangnya angah masih boleh bangkit. mudahnya angah bangkit sebab orang² yg angah jumpa (tanpa mengira title kawan ataupun stranger), semuanya seolah² turut sama membantu untuk angah berdiri semula selepas jatuh.

mungkin sebab itu jugak angah didatangi cerita sedih seorang hamba allah, juga seorang blogger yg aktif menggunakan nama megat (bukan nama sebenar), untuk angah sedar bahawa angah belum benar² teruji. luangkan sedikit masa ke blog saudara megat. semuanya atas saranan rakan blogger yg lain, denaihati yang angah follow di twitter, juga azmanishak (entrinya diretweet oleh denaihati).

segalanya mudah sekarang. hanya perlu sedikit perhatian. nak pulak online banking da ade sekarang, mudahkan urusan kita, bukan sahaja di dunia, juga bekalan untuk di sana nanti. ikhlaskan saja.. :)

nasi ambang dan pengat

hari ni, ayah buat nasi ambang. orang jawa sebut nasi 'ambeng'. 'beng' disebut seperti di dalam 'bengkak', bukan 'bengkel'. ayah jawa sungai buaya, banting. lepas atuk meninggal, kami da tak balik kampung sebelah ayah. baru minggu lepas angah tau yg sorang kawan mase sekolah menengah dulu adalah anak kepada kawan ayah mase kecik. ayah kate name kawan ayah tu kalu tak silap matsom ke maksom?? lantas angah teringat kawan lame. aswat name die. mungkin ayah aswat yg ayah maksudkan. da lame angah tak dengar cerita pasal aswat. kat mane die ye??

raya tahun lepas baru angah jejak kaki balik kat sungai buaya. ikut konvoi raya saudara sebelah ayah. da berubah sangat. tp angah tak boleh lupe kenangan masa kecik dulu. banyak sangat yg angah boleh ingat. antaranya, suasana kenduri kat rumah arwah atuk. majlis cukur rambut along, angah, alang and bancik buat kat kampung. start ika sampai ke bongsu baru kat teluk ni ha.

kalau balik kampung dulu meriah sangat. budak² especially, suke jalan ramai² sambil sedekah duit kat tokey kedai runcit dekat ng masjid dlu. tp last time singgah kat masjid tu, macam tak perasan ade lagi tak kedai tu.

ayah buat nasi ambang hari ni, mungkin sbb teringat waktu dulu kot. angah pun tak tanye banyak. risau pulak kalau hatinya terusik. tapi angah raikan ayah dengan menjamu hidangan tu dengan selera sekali. adik² pn same. lauk² yg ayah masak, saling tak tumpah rasenye dgn yg pernah angah makan waktu kecik dulu. siap dengan serunding, kacang, bilis, ayam masak kicap, mi goreng. mgkin tak lengkap. tp sungguh. rasanya tak lari. cume klu dulu, seingat angah, ade ikan masin bulu ayam :)

lepas tu, untuk supper gaknye, ayah kate nak wat pengat. dari minggu lepas angah da plan nk buat sebenarnye. dengan nenek tina. tp tangguh sampai ayah pulak yg nk buat malam ni. tp mak pulak berebut nak buat. so da jadi pengat tepung pulut campur sagu cara mak :)

pernah tak, diterjah rasa sebak dek perhatian dan kasih sayang yg melimpah ruah, datang dari orang sekeliling? perasaan tu datang kpd angah semenjak dua ni. dan angah tau apa sebabnya. dan kalau benarlah ini yg allah nak angah rasa sekarang, terima kasih allah atas perhatian ini :)

on the 9th day of 2010..

**ehhe tatau nk letak title ape..

baca mingguan wanita tadi. a few interesting and useful articles had captured the attention. satu dr dr. tuah pasal 'amalan untuk memperoleh ketenangan' and another one dari suzana (maaf pgt, bukan suzanna tau ;) entitled 'berkawanlah dengan diari'

bukan bertujuan nak promosikan apa² atau siapa² tp, dua² artikel ni kebetulan datang selari dengan perjalanan hidup angah.

in short. utk ketenangan, amalkan al-ma'thurat. fahami segala maksud. kumpulan doa nabi saw. sape² yg nak al-ma'thurat for free.. do email me.. angah ade a few utk dihadiahkan.. :) insyaallah.. and harap boleh kita sama² beroleh ketenangan.

teringat pada my first diary. angah mula menulis diari sejak sekolah rendah lagi. diary tu angah tulis special untuk diri sendiri dgn perkataan dari abjad² yg dicipta sendiri. dengan harapan kalau jatuh diari tu ke tangan orang lain, orang tu takkan faham ape yg angah coretkan dalam tu. angah cuba hafal abjad² baru yg angah hasilkan sampailah angah dapat tulis dengan lancar skali dan dapat baca balik diari tu tanpa perlu rujuk pada notes yg angah buat awal² dulu.

sampailah kelalaian angah menjadi bencana pada diari tu. ntah macam mana mase tu angah balik kg, tinggalkan diari kat rumah. notes utk abjad² asing ciptaan angah tu lupa pulak angah pisahkan dr diari tu, maka along yang mase tu tak ikut balik, berjaya men'decode' coretan rahsia angah tu. malu dan marah, tuhan je yg tahu. terus angah ucapkan selamat tinggal pada diari tu. and lepas tu, lame jugak angah berhenti menulis.

ingt balik, sayang jugak kan, napelah angah bakar diari tu. klu tak sekarang da boleh ketawakan diri sendiri and selami balik cara angah lihat kehidupan dari sisi seorang angah yg berumur 11 tahun.

cuma yg angah dapat cari, diari angah ketika berumur 14 tahun. yup i had started having my 2nd diary in my 14. impressed :) and proud of having been myself.

there was this one boy once, asked me.. if i was given a chance, to what year or which part of life did i ever wish to go back to? i had never answer his question. but now only i have the answer, i dont wanna go back.. to any of them.. i had a wonderful life, wonderful people along the way.. i keep those in my heart and from them (life and people from the past) that i learn that there is so much i havent seen, havent been thru, havent met yet. and allah had it all planned for each of us. laughs and tears.

and the followings are taken from drafts from my desktop. the internet was very slow. so i decided to keep writing regardless the annoying connection. and this whole week mmg tak sempat langsung online. too busy with my new job.. :) i will post a few photos on my new job later ehhe..

December 26, 2009

Saturday

7:00 p.m.

I have just finished watching Tsunami, caught on camera on History Channel. During the play, (uhmm was it a play? :) my mind couldn’t stop telling me how lucky I am to be alive. Not because of surviving the real tsunami (that had never knocked on my life), but to be on path of life that I am living now.

Tsunami did hit me –it hit my heart, and had caused severe damage. But no one could ever see it because, let it hurt only me. It hurts, only to watch people telling their experiences of losing loved ones, of seeing people they know could not survive the impact, of having to go through the transition of happiness to grief in less than a day time. So let nobody that I love knows about this. They don’t deserve the pain.

Praise be to God. Alhamdulillah. At least I was not put on a same situation, which I had to face the reality that I have lost someone I love for good. Not yet. At least I would someday got the chance to see or maybe just to hear her/him on the phone so we could have a civilised farewell :(  -already did in my dream.. :) ya allah, sampaikan..)

9:00 p.m.

Have just done with cooking for dinner. Only I, two brothers and mother left at home tonight, enjoying game between Chelsea and Birmingham City. 0-0 still.

Apit was helping me with the veggies earlier in the kitchen. While I was busy with the stove, suddenly he cried “Angah help! Get me some water!” I turned to him and ‘smile’. His fingers were caught on the surface of the icy part of the refrigerator. “This is no kidding, quick! Get some water!”

What had happened to Apit reminds me of my favourite childhood tv program ‘911’. There was this one episode covered up a true story of a young boy who got his tongue stuck on the ice when he was alone with his one little sibling at home. It was so fortunate of him for having his company to dial 911 for him. He survived, with trauma of course. What on earth could possibly have told him to do things like that? We have ice-cream to buy from the mart, haven’t we?

December 27, 2009

Sunday

9:00 p.m.

Dark Knight is now showing on HBO. Its not like I am writing about the joker. Just to ‘cherish’ what is happening around for later ;)

Earlier this evening at 5.00, Tsunami caught on camera is shown again on 555. I know apau and ayah would love to watch this documentary as much as I do. so i watch again. now with them.

January 7, 2010

Thursday

11:00 p.m.

Love’s Abiding Joy.

A daughter could possibly break her father’s heart easily. Without realizing that she could do that in many ways.. It is just that, a father is a man. Seeing a man’s tear drops bothers me.. a lot. One of few things in life I wish not to see. i pray to god, let me not be one of them.. amiinnn...

Selamat Datang 2010/1431H

Tahun baru datang dengan semangat baru :) terima kasih. Buku baru. Sepanjang tempoh angah mengusahakan 'ladang anggur' yang tak sempat berbuah hasil, angah terpaksa dengan rela hati menghabiskan masa terluang dengan menonton tv. bukan sekadar menonton, angah juga belajar tentang bberapa perkara menarik utk dipraktikkan. ces, mudah terpengaruh ke angah ni?? ehhe harap² apa yg berjaya pengaruh angah tu adalah sesuatu yg tak mendatangkan mudarat.

mulai hari ni, angah nak letakkan diri lebih isolate :) kenapa ye?? uhmm mungkin terasa lebih bebas kot klu kurang publisiti tentang diri. nafas pn lebih panjang. lagi senang nk realisasikan niat angah tu sekarang sbb ade twitter. yg penting dan manfaat je boleh share (tp tu pun ikut pendekatan individu). lain² yg kurang penting angah letakkan di wayn. angah pilih wayn mengatasi yg lain sbb focus laman sosial ni dgn yg lain. bukan sekadar tambah kawan tapi lebih kepada fungsi travelog and environmental yg jadi focus.

since having network of friends agak pnting sekarang, we cant just refuse to having one.. tp kita ada pilihan untuk kawal pergerakan kita, supaya tak hanyut. tanye je adik² angah, betapa angah sgt suke membebel bile dorang terlalu attached dgn facebook masing². sakit mata ni. tak salah utk punya account facebook tp perlu ada kekuatan  dan kebijaksanaan utk mengawal dan mengurus masa.

baru² ni ade terpikir nak create another blog tuk betul² jadi tempat luahan 95% perasaan and make it a restricted one. it has actually taken me a couple of days to then decided not to have one. fyi, ai ni has written down tak lebih dari 50% of what i have deep inside. bile pikir balik. i just had to do minor adjustment. tak perlu ada banyak tempat untuk different emosi.. so now i decided to keep ai utk terus menulis tanpa lari dari tujuan asal.

kalau boleh angah nak share cerita² yg happy, inspiring, everytime.. tp reality hidup bukan macam tu, ada masa kita rasa macam dipijak², ada masa kita dijulang tinggi. regarless what we might have felt inside, harapnye rasionaliti masih dalam genggaman. dan selagi tak dapat genggam, berikan masa pada diri sendiri dan situasi.

dan lagi, atas sebab tu jugak, angah da remove akaun blogger angah dari yahoo! updates. supaya takdela semak akaun connection angah dgn updates terbaru daripada ai ni. as well as youtube and flickr. tinggal twitter updates je yg my connections boleh nampak. akaun² tu masih exist, cume da xde alerts to the connections. my account semua guna id irniesb. senang je nak cari.

lagi satu akaun yg angah sayang is multiply.. sbb sgt practical. senang nak share media kat situ. and sesape yg nk tgk, xyah sibuk² kene signup to multiply account utk tgk media² yg angah share. so, that is all. lepas ni mgkin akaun lain akan angah tutup. malas nak serabutkan kepala. yahoo! messenger? not my cup of tea anymore. something has unintentionally killed the interest. buat sementara, angah lg suke tweeting :) lets just mail or just call me. lets talk on the phone :) sms pn boleh.

mon dieu! sibuk cerita pasal transition yg da angah buat, lupe pulak pasal countdown malam td. as mentioned in my previous entry, once again, angah join the rest kat dataran merdeka. tp tanak amik risiko terperangkap dalam lautan manusia kami amik port kat depan bangunan persekutuan, dekat dgn dayabumi. sambil makan kacang rebus, tgk gelagat orang.. what a wonderful country we r living in. im so grateful for that. majmuk. i wish my next generation nanti will have the opportunity to enjoy the same. freedom. to celebrate new year together ng yg lain. cume ade segelintir anak muda yg masih tercari² identiti diri yg sedikit menyemakkan pandangan. yg lain? perasaan yg sangat hebat. sempat jugak angah amik video fireworks smlm smpi habis. will upload later on youtube. pastu cam bese, lepas je acara macam ni, cari port makan pulak. ehhe nasib baik jugak duduk kat pantai dalam. takyah gaduh nk cari maka. just name it :)

sampai jmpe lagi..